Phoenix Jones // BluePhoenixBirb

I gave myself a nod while looking in the mirror. My long hair was tucked under a newsboy cap; it had taken so long just to get all the strands to cooperate, but no one would be able to tell. I took a deep breath before throwing my rope out the window, I gave it a tug to make sure it was secure.

Just as I was about to climb out, my bedroom door opened causing me to freeze. “Princess Kristen?” Mavis asked. She closed the door quickly so no one else saw me. “What are you wearing sweetheart?” She took a hesitant step toward me causing tears to come to my eyes.

“Please don’t tell.” I begged, “Mavis, please don’t tell my parents. I just want to know what it’s like. I just want to see what it feels like to be a boy. Please Mavis, just let me be a boy this one time.” Tears started to form in my eyes as I held my breath waiting for her answer. I saw a small nod, something I would’ve missed if I wasn’t looking. “Thank you, Mavis! Thank you!” I quickly climbed through the window before she could change her mind.

The kingdom was wonderful! There are people everywhere, but I never felt crowded. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going until I was on the ground. “Would ya watch where you’re going?”

“Sorry! I was I bit distracted” I said sheepishly still on the ground. The person who I ran into looked about my age, 17. He took his hat off and dusted himself off with it. He was pale and skinny with blonde hair, maybe, it was quite dirty, but I was sure that if it was cleaned it would be a soft, light blonde. His eyes were pale green but that didn’t take from their beauty.

“You alright? Bump your head?” He asked holding a hand out to me. I grabbed it and he helped me up.

“Sorry, I’m just a little lost. I’m Tristan” I held my hand out to shake

“Peter.” He said shaking my hand. He smirked before saying, “Wanna do something fun?” I nodded without a second thought. Without letting go of my hand, he led us to an alleyway. I frowned as he started climbing up the building, at a closer look I see that some bricks were taken out. “You comin’?” He shouted from halfway up the wall.

“You bet!” I shouted back and began my climb. Once close enough, Peter helped me onto the roof.

“Great view of the castle up here. What a life that would be.” Peter sighed before shaking his head. “Come over here. Check this out.” He said walking over to a small pile of rocks. They were about the size of the gold pieces in my pocket. “If you throw these from up here, it’s high enough that no one is able to tell where it came from.” He grinned “Check it out.” He picked up a rock and tossed it off the edge of the building. We watched it fall before it landed on the helmet of someone below. The person looked up so we dodged back. I laughed as I grabbed one to throw farther away.

We did this for what felt like hours but it must’ve only been half of one. “Watch this!” I said before I grabbed a handful of the rocks and sprinkled them off the building.

“No! wait!” Peter said but it was too late. He started laughing as too many people below looked up at us angrily. “We gotta run!”

“Kristen. Do you know why we have called you here?” My father asked sitting on his throne next to my mother on her own smaller one. I stood before them, steps away in my daily dress. My gloved hands lay in front of me folded.

“No father,” I said hating the way I couldn’t make my voice deeper.

“Mavis told me about last night,” my world froze, my blood ran cold. Why would Mavis betray me like that? We had been so close. “Would you care to explain yourself?” My mouth was dry, I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. “She told us that you were dressed like a boy- looked like a boy. You know that a young lady such as yourself shouldn’t be acting that way. Explain yourself. Now.”

“I-I” I cleared my throat and tried again. “I want to be seen as a boy. I want to be a boy. I look at myself and it makes my skin crawl. I want to be Tristen. I understand that our image is important, and I know that I wouldn’t be able to dress the way I want outside the walls. B-but-“ I was cut off.

“You stop this talk at once! No one would want a wife that dresses as a man! What would your betrothed say?” My father all but roared, I had never seen him so angry.

“B-Betrothed?” I asked

“You are getting married! My sweet baby girl” He stood up with raised arms like I would want to hug him because of the news.

“F-father please, wouldn’t you want a prince to take over for you instead of a princess? W-what about-“ I didn’t notice that he had walked in front of me. I was cut off by him grabbing my face and squishing my cheeks together.

“You are my child, so I forgive you- this once. But if I ever hear you speak of this again, you will be taken to the dungeons. I will not have that kind of sickness in my kingdom- let alone my own home.” Tears welled up in my eyes as he spoke.

I ripped my face out of his hand before saying, “Yes, father.” I tried not to cry in front of them or show how much his words affected me. “May I please be excused?” I asked as a single tear ran down my cheek. Once my father nodded, I ran out of the throne room as fast as I could.

Once in my room, I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears as I ripped the dress off of me. I couldn’t stop them even dressed as Tristen. The tears fell onto the paper as I wrote a letter explaining how I couldn’t take living as a girl any longer. Once done writing I signed the letter ‘Prince Tristen’ before I went to the window. It was locked when I tried to open it, I broke the glass with my bed stool. But I found bars bolted in place.

Before I could think about what to do next, there was a knock on the door and my mother walked in. She smiled at me but when she saw what I was wearing, it fell. She closed the door with a calmness that made me uneasy. She walked past me closed the curtains then turned to me. Before I could even try to explain, she slapped me.

“M-mama, this is who I am. Please.” I begged, holding here she hit me

“You need to listen. You were told to stop this. Do you want to end up like those people we found?” She spat the word like venom.

“I can’t stop this mama. It hurts when I’m not like this.” I put my other hand on my heart, tears welling up in my eyes again.

“Then live in pain like the rest of us. There is no way around it. It’s life.” The tears fell out of my eyes, causing her to smile softly. She raised her hand to gently hold my cheek. “You’ll get used to it sweetheart. I know I did.” Then she left.

She didn’t know what it was like, no one did. No one understood the pain I went through when I looked at my body, and the disgust I felt. My breathing started to quicken and become heavy as I thought about living the rest of my life that way. If I couldn’t be Tristen in life…. Maybe I could in death.

It felt like my body was moving on its own, it felt like there were rocks weighing down every part of my body. I grabbed another piece of paper from my desk and wrote in big black words ‘Prince Tristen’.

My hands moved on their own as I tied my rope into the desired knot.

It felt like there were ten tons pressing down my heart as I looped the rope around a beam in my room.

I felt dizzy pulling my chair away from my vanity and to my desired place.

I put my head through the loop then everything felt right. I was fine. I was in control. No weight. No dizziness. For the first time since figuring out who I was, I felt at peace. “Time to be Tristan,” I said to myself smiling. As fast as the chair left my feet the world went black.